Isolation, Night

Isolation, Night

Night fell like it often does.
Stars shone as usual,
The moon glowed, unfortunately.
I sat in my tree and watched
Reflections in the lake flicker.
The sidewalks are empty now
And I am isolated, alone.
It is now that I am at peace,
Now that you are farthest from my mind.

Kite

Kite

I would give you paper wings,
If I could, and let you soar
High above me.
I’d keep you on a string like a kite,
Cut the string and you float away.
Would you stay?
If you had your freedom
Would you leave me behind,
So fast – I’d be left spinning in your wake?
I hope its not so,
I hope you’d stay of your own accord.
But i think, if a stiff breeze blew through,
You’d jump at the chance to fly,
So high, away.
You’d leave me chasing behind,
Running in circles.

After Me

After Me

Smothered.
Empty.
Blank.
Lonely.
Darkness closes in.
I cry out to an empty sky,
Devoid of stars
As night drops its shades.
I have no time
To stop and chat.
The time ticks by so quickly.
Nothing is after me,
Everything is after me.

Dreary Day

Dreary Day

This day is so dreary,
This life is so empty.
The sky threatens rain,
Clouds heavy and dull above.
I’m lonelier than ever,
Depressed and down.
Absence of blue sky
Reminds me of you. Why?
There’s no reason
To go on pretending anymore,
Is there?
But I have to.
I have to put on my vacant expression,
Smile as if I don’t care
But I do.
Why do you break me so?
I’m wilting under your neglect
Like a rose withers without proper care.
You cannot save me
Do not try.

Just Another Day

Just Another Day

So I woke up today,
I guess that’s a start
Isn’t it.
I went through the motions,
Robotically going about my day.
I sat through classes,
I wrote, I talked,
Laughed, apologized.
It was all fake.
I failed a test, I know,
I know I failed.
I ate, fed this body,
To keep it going
But couldn’t solve the hunger of my soul.
Everything today just felt –
Wrong.
It all felt wrong.
Since Friday dawned,
Gorgeous and bright and brilliant,
Shattered suddenly by the words
“She didn’t make it.”
Just like that you were gone.
And you’ve left us here
To carry on, to go through the motions,
Robots in the clockwork of life
Never changing, moving on.
I dedicate this poem to you,
Melancholy and ordinary
Just another day,
Just another day
Without you.

The ABC’s of Losing You

The ABC’s of Losing You

Any day but today, it would
Be so simple for me.
Can you understand?
Do you see where I’m coming from?
Everything I this world makes me
Fall again. It’s like
God’s got some other plan,
He’s working on it, well,
I sure hope he is.
Jessica, I hope you’re smiling now,
Kindly, radiantly. If you are, I’m sure it’s
Lighting up the entire breadth of Heaven.
Maybe you can read this as I write,
Now you’ll smile at my sentiment
Or laugh at my foolishness.
Perhaps you’re angry with us
Quite, because we’re not moving on.
Really, we’re trying, but everyone seems
Stuck in the empty black hole you’ve left behind in our hearts.
Tell me, why’d you have to go so soon?
Until I see you again I’ll be,
Very replete with every memory,
With every smile we shared, every laugh.
X marks this spot – your grave, but
You’re not in there anymore. You’re the wind, the
Zephyr in the sky, watching over us.

“Death Will Be a Very Big Adventure”

“Death Will Be a Very Big Adventure”

I guess life goes on.
I guess the pain fades.
But when?
It seems like it will go on
Forever.
Forever hurting,
Always mourning.
You, with your angel wings,
Are flying high above us
Watching over us now.
I wish we could reach up to Heaven
And bring you back down.
But I guess –
“Death will be a very big adventure.”

Without You

Without You

Without you –
The sun shines,
The dawn breaks,
The sky’s blue,
The clouds move.
Without you –
The breeze blows,
The leaves fall,
The waves crash,
The stars shine.
Without you –
The world turns,
The seasons change,
The days fly,
Your friends cry.
Without you –
The darkness grows,
The river flows,
The eagles cry,
The lovers sigh.
Life goes on,
Though you’re gone.
But I die –
Without you.

Waiting Regrets

Waiting Regrets

I’ve got regrets,
Things I should have said,
Stuff that resounds in my head.
There’s stuff I wish I could take back,
Things I said to you
Things I thought about.
But you’re to blame as well,
You are.
If you cut me, I bleed.
You hit me, I bruise.
Break my heart,
I shatter.
I can’t bear to go on without you.
Leave me broken,
Waiting…
I’m still standing in the same place
And the earth is slowly turning.

I Guess This Means I’m Alive

I Guess This Means I’m Alive

Waves crash
On this endless ocean
Of my mind.
I try to escape the blackness
But it envelops me.
I press my hand to my heart,
Just to feel the beat.
Like a paper-winged angel
It floats through my veins.
Under my pale skin, my pulse beats.
I guess this means I’m alive.

Dear Jess -

Dear Jess -

Dear Jess –
I woke up today,
I’m grateful that I did.
I know there could be so much more
Worse things than what I’ve been dealt.
I thought of you
And still this all seems so unreal.
I can’t believe I’ll never
See your beautiful smile again,
Not until I walk through those pearly gates,
That is.
I can’t imagine your mother’s grief,
Though I witnessed it on Sunday.
We miss you, girl,
We always will.
You shouldn’t be gone.
18 years, my god,
You were just so young
It’s just so wrong.
Why you? Why now?
I guess God has bigger plans.
I hope you’re watching us,
I know you are.
You’re up there in Heaven,
Chilling with God,
Watching us all mourn
And telling us to get on with our lives.
Jess – we love you,
You should still be here,
But you’re not
And the world is empty without you,
Dark without the light of your smile,
Cold without the warmth of your heart.
It might seem silly to write to you
But need to
Cuz I still need you.
You took me under your wing,
Lost soul that I was,
And helped me to flourish.
You helped me learn to fly.
Now you’re the one flying,
Holding us all in your angel’s grasp
And smiling that magnificent smile of yours.

For Jessica

For Jessica

You lived your life one step at a time,
Lived for the moment
And never looked back.
Are you looking back on us now?
I’d like to think you can hear us
When we’re talking to you still,
When we’re cursing God for stealing you away.
When they told us, I was numb,
Then sad, depressed, angry at everything.
I sat in my chair and waited til everyone else was gone
But the pain didn’t come.
I held my friends while they sobbed
But the tears didn’t come.
But yesterday, standing in the crowd of your friends and family,
Gathered around that hole in the ground
Watching your mother break down when she saw your coffin,
I lost it, Jess, I lost it.
I found my tears, my heart broke.
And when I think about it, it all seems so unfair,
So unreal.
Why you? Why now?
You hadn’t even begun to live,
But you changed all our lives
In the short time we were blessed with your presence.
You helped me find my wings,
And now I know God has given you yours.

Dedication

Dedication

For Jess:

I know it's not the time,
I know it's not the place.
I just can't understand
how I'll never again see your face.
It all seems so unreal,
like we're trapped in some nightmare.
But I want you to know
that we will always care.
You taught us all how to love,
how to laugh and how to give.
You loved unconditionally,
and you really knew how to live.
God knew how very special you were,
that you were an unbelievable girl.
And that's why he took you
to hang out with him in his world.
I know you're smiling down at us
from up in Heaven above.
Jessica, thank you
for showing us all how to love.

R.I.P. Jessica Kaufman9/23/87 - 11/17/05

Under My Skin Now

Under My Skin Now

It feels like the sky is closing in.
I feel like I’m trapped
In this thing called life,
And sometimes I just want
So much to escape.
But I can’t.
That’d be too easy, right?

I’ve built my castles in the sky,
But out of the blue
They’ve tumbled down around me.

Chorus –
It’s under my skin now,
This feeling that I’ll never get out.
It’s deep within my soul now,
I’m drowning in insecurity.
I’ve never felt so strong
About a life that never mattered.
Will it ever matter?

And will I lose my dignity?
Will I suffocate inside
This box I feel I’m trapped in?
I need to find a way out,
And for once I don’t think
You’re the way.

I’ve built my castles in the sky,
But out of the blue
They’ve tumbled down around me.

Chorus –
It’s under my skin now,
This feeling that I’ll never get out.
It’s deep within my soul now,
I’m drowning in insecurity.
I’ve never felt so strong
About a life that never mattered.
Will it ever matter?

Pick up the broken pieces of my soul,
Shatter this superficial life.
Beat me to the punch, please,
Before this rally in my mind
Slaps me in the face again.
Set me free please,
Set me free.

Chorus –
It’s under my skin now,
This feeling that I’ll never get out.
It’s deep within my soul now,
I’m drowning in insecurity.
I’ve never felt so strong
About a life that never mattered.
Will it ever matter?

Birch Wood

Birch Wood

Life is like a pathless wood,
A dark dank musty forest
Full of gloom at evening fall.
Every tree seems menacing
At this time of night.
It’s depressing how night makes you think
Things are jumping out at you,
That eyes glow in the dark
And sounds magnify in your eardrums.
This birch is like a pendulum,
Like time swinging back and forth
Until the ice bends it down to stay.
So time may never right itself,
Like a bent down birch tree
Under heavy ice,
Bent down into submission.
Maybe we’re all just bent over
Under the continuing weight of the world.
Don’t be easily swayed
You are stronger than the slight birch trees.

Childhood Memories: A Series

Childhood Memories: A Series

Playing Football in the Street

The hard thwack
Of worn out pigskin,
Cradled in our hands.
A guttural yell,
Tackle.
I remember sitting on the trunk
Of my dad’s car,
Keeping score in my head
But mostly just cheering.
The exclamation of “car!” would send us scrambling,
Only to reassemble in seconds and keep on playing
Until dusk fell down upon our shoulders,
And suddenly watchful parents called us home
From open doors and windows.
One more pass,
And then goodbye
Time for homework, dinner, sleep –
Until tomorrow’s game.


Slip N Slide

One hot sticky summer
My mother bought us a Slip N Slide,
Which turned out to be a bad idea.
She couldn’t tear us away from it.
Long days spent running around
Clad in just our bathing suits,
Ignoring the cries of bedtime from our parents.
We slid with such force that only the grass could stop us.
One night we stayed out in the rain,
Fully clothed, twirling,
Holding each other’s hands
And just feeling alive.


Losing My Innocence

I was 11 or 12.
We watched the Backstreet Boys on TV,
Kissing the screen where our favorites stood.
You told me about “grown up things”
Like kissing and boys and sex,
And we laughed about it
While singing along to “I Swear”
And pretending to play the piano.
I didn’t know, I didn’t know,
That soon after I would stand in that same bedroom
In the arms of my other best friend,
My next door neighbor,
And feel his lips on mine
And find myself losing my innocence.


Bicycle

Dad – you never taught me
To ride a bicycle.
After my friend lost control
And smashed my training wheels,
I lost interest.
You didn’t push it.
Years later you would push me
Down hills and try to teach.
It was too late.
I never learned.


Marco Island

Piling into the car
On hot sticky Friday afternoons,
Packed in with suitcases
I was excited.
I knew that meant Marco Island
And a weekend getaway from life.
Marco Island.
Driving over the bridge,
Searching for the familiar sights
Of lit up angels at Christmastime
And the majestic welcome sign.
Sleeping in the living room of our condo,
Running down the walkway to the pool,
To watch the elderly lady
Who swam each day with an empty water jug
Clutched in her hand.
That pool where I lurched and dove,
Where I learned to swim
And swatted away horseflies.
The movie theater where we sat at high tables
And munched on nachos.
The little shop where I bought various trinkets,
And the lady behind the counter knew my name
And pointed out the latest Sanrio items.
I stayed out on the beach day after day,
My hair turning gold from the sun.
In that small town where every shopkeeper knew and loved me,
Where the restaurants knew exactly what your “usual” was,
And we bought every beanie baby around back then in 1 day.
Life was slow and gorgeous,
Rolling on like the green-blue waves
Breaking against the bow of the boat we rented,
Ducking our heads under low bridges.
When big adventure was running to storage
And being able to unlock the door by myself,
When love was falling asleep in the car
With my head on your shoulder
And sharing sweet sticky popsicles
In the summer heat.
We sat at the bar at Snook Inn
And listened to the guitarists play.
Marco Island.


Fishing

Remember when –
We fished off of Marco with our fathers?
We caught, and caught, and caught
Fish with open flapping mouth,
Huge heavy catfish flopping on the deck.
You and I, two best friends,
We brought in 10, 15, more!
And our fathers caught nothing
All the hours we drifted.
We threw every fish back.


Fish Hook

You swung the pole,
The line a perfect arch
Flying out behind you.
A flick of the wrist,
You casted it forward
But it never hit the water.
Instead, I watched in horror
Slow motion,
As it flew forward
And stuck in the back of your neck.
You didn’t notice in time,
Pulling it forward with the momentum.
It ripped a clean gash.
I’ll never forget how silent you were,
Or how loud your mother screamed.

Mother’s Choice

Mother’s Choice

The first night I held my baby in my arms
Was also the last.
For just a few moments
I gazed into her eyes,
Kissed her forehead
And whispered “I love you”
Before they spirited her away.
I watched the nurse’s back
So white and cold and clinical,
Unforgiving, unloving.
Two white arms grasping my little girl,
Taking her away forever.
Watched as the door swung shut,
To the sound of her crying
For nurturing I’d never give.
Watching through the window
As she’s handed off to someone new.
A new pair of arms to enfold her and keep her warm.
Hands to dry tears,
Mend scraped knees,
Unpack a college dorm room.
Thing’s I’ll never do for her.
This is my choice,
Regret or not –
I can’t take back.
I watch her disappear.

Halfway Decent Sinners

Halfway Decent Sinners

Awkward silence.
Eyes locked,
Skin burning.
You’re too close to me
I can’t breathe like this.
Hands grasp for purchase,
Your lips are warm
Against mine.
Here in the darkness,
We’re halfway decent sinners.
Almost too far
Wrapped in your arms,
We’re closer than ever.

Creative Together

Creative Together

Creativity.
River flowing.
Thoughts float
Through my mind,
Like flower petals
Blown apart by the breeze.
You catch my hair between your fingers
And twirl it slowly.
You are inspiration I form,
You are love reincarnate.
I spill thoughts of you,
Like miniscule black ants
They march in line.
I reach for your hand
And trace poetry into your palm.
Tomorrow I might regret
But tonight,
We’ll be creative
Together.

Inexperiences

Inexperiences

I’m still learning
So be patient with me.
We’ll overcome our inexperience
One thing at a time,
One kiss at a time,
One touch.
Hold me now
Cuz I’m scared of life,
Of living without you.

Tell Me it’s Real

Tell Me it’s Real

I just want to be
The voice inside your head.
I just want to be
The song you sing, always.
I want some kind of devotion,
Some kind of sign
That you still feel the same way.
Is it for real?
Tell me it’s real…
Or leave me be.
If we tried this could work,
So why aren’t we trying?
What’s so wrong with me
That you feel the need
To not say how you feel,
To ignore me?
If this passes us by
It’s never coming back.
Baby I don’t want to end it
Cuz this is so good for me,
But it’s so bad for me.
Tell me it’s real
Or let it slip away.

In the Dark

In the Dark

Is it not so fucking obvious
That I love you?
Do you really not care?
Are you just pretending?
Have you always been pretending?
Don’t you know –
You can tell me anything
And I’ll understand.
Just don’t leave me in the dark.
The dark is the worst,
I stumble and I fall
And no one’s there to catch me,
Cuz you’re
Never
There.

Forget Me

Forget Me

Forget tomorrow,
Forget today,
Forget right now.
Don’t remember this moment
Because this moment doesn’t really mean anything anyhow.
Did it ever mean anything?
Maybe it once did to you,
But now you ignore me.
I thought you were different
But you’re just like the rest.
I feel like I’m losing myself,
Like I’m living a fucking lie.
You want everything I’m not
So go find someone who is all that,
Cuz I’m just fed up.
It’s so messed up.
Just forget me,
It’s easy.

Torn from the Inside Out (My secret confessions)

Torn from the Inside Out

I’m an emotional wreck.
I’m depressing,
Antisocial,
I cant express myself
The words always come out wrong.
I’m awkward,
Obnoxious,
Loud,
Overly emotional.
I can’t cry when I need to
And I cry when I can’t afford to.
I overreact over little things.
I’m a liar
I do stupid things.
I regret too much of my life.
I don’t trust easily.
I fall too hard too fast
And then doubt myself.
I have a need to be loved
And an inferiority complex.
I say I don’t care what other people think of me,
But I’m really insecure
And people’s comments hurt me deep inside.
I hate distance.
I hate ignorance.
But I distance myself from my emotions
And ignore my heart.
I wish I could just cry and let it all out,
But I can’t.
I don’t think I deserve real love,
I fake my life everyday.
I lie, I lie, I lie.
I pretend I’m not afraid of death,
But I am.
I’m too opinionated sometimes
And I worry that people don’t like me because of it.
I wish I could be totally carefree
But the voices in my head won’t let me.
I’m more insane than anyone truly knows.
I have multiple personalities,
ADD, OCD, and schizophrenia,
But they are all undiagnosed
And I wouldn’t fix it if I could.
I wash my hands compulsively,
I get upset if every little detail of my life
Isn’t exactly what or where it should be.
I have crazy mood swings.
I’m dangerous to myself,
Especially when I’m depressed.
Sometimes I still cut to ease the pain,
Even though I assure my friends I don’t,
And I’m not trying to stop myself either.
I lie to my parents, my friends, my family.
I trust very few people in my life,
And even that trust is questionable sometimes.
I am not okay.

Happy Endings

Happy Endings

I’m not afraid of happy endings,
I’m just worried my life
Won’t work out that way.
Life is no Disney movie.
Life is no friend.
It’s more like a snake,
Venomous, sinuous,
Slippery,
Vicious.
It wraps itself around your throat
And squeezes.

Break

Break

I am not your paper doll,
I am not your property.
I’m not made of glass
I won’t break if you touch me.
But treat me right and gentle,
And mean it when you say “I love you”.
Cuz I only have one heart,
And if you break it where will I turn?

Non Role Model

Non Role Model

You look up to me?
Are you somehow mad
To think I’m a role model?
Believe me, the grass ain’t always greener
On the other side of the fence.
And you’ll never know
What sadness there is behind these eyes,
Or how I sometimes wish to sleep
And never awaken.

Young Innocence

Young Innocence

Years ago when we were young,
We only worried about what games we’d play next.
The worst hurt was a scraped knee
Not a broken heart.
We dressed up on Halloween
To choruses of “how cute”,
Not “aren’t you too old for this?”
Back then, you could sleep
At anyone’s house without your parents getting worried.
We lived for carnivals, weekends,
Field trips and playground visits.
We chased the boys –
Now the boys chase us.
Innocence was once real,
Until the day he kissed me in my room
And opened my eyes to a whole new world.
And now its gone forever.

So This is Love

So This is Love

You're so far away from me now,
I can't hear your heart
but I hope it's beating in time with mine.
When I'm with you the rest of the world just fades away,
blurring and disappearing
and leaving nothing but you and your eyes,
speaking multitudes to mine.
I love when we don't have to speak
and I love when we do.
Without you was like an endless stream of loneliness
I could not escape.
I was drowning but you extended a hand,
pulled me back from the abyss.
So this is love?
It feels amazing.

Reflections on Death

Reflections on Death

What is death?
I don’t understand
It any more than I ever have.
I know I’m dying,
Everyday, we’re all dying,
Slow as molasses.
We move on,
Slow shadows on the face of a giant clock,
Our planet,
Spinning through the solar system.
Death is not my worst fear,
Being nothing would be worse,
Just going through the motions.
This world is dying, slowly, with us.
It’s fading, everyday disappearing,
Part by part.
Don’t let the thought of death consume you.
But don’t let everyone tell you that you’re insane,
Because you think on death.
We’re all dying,
The branches bend and snap and break,
Skies turn gray
Full with mourning for the world
Dying.
The television blares news
Of children dying and countries shaken.
How can we not think on death
When death surrounds us?
Before you were born where were you?
Do not fear nothing
Because you’ve been nothing before,
When you were not.
Do not cry death,
Because the sun comes up each morning
And chases away the darkness.
It will always do this
Until the day it explodes
And sends the world spinning.
But do not worry on that,
We’ll be long gone.
Death will come sooner
And spirit our cares away.

Monopoly

Monopoly

Your life goes by,
Like a Monopoly game played by God.
Roll the dice, move you around,
You win some lose some
End up in jail.
House hotel property.
Then – death.

No Religion in Death

No Religion in Death

There is no religion in death,
No virtue.
What God would snap your neck,
Slit your throat
And then smile and nod at his work?
Maybe life is hopeless.

Into Death

Into Death

At the instant of death,
You’ll know where your soul
Will rest forever.
Peaceful death means Heaven,
Struggle means the devil holds you.
Hold a mirror to your face
To check your breathing.
We wouldn’t want you
Clawing at the inside of your coffin,
Slowly suffocating until
You slip slowly into madness.
Into death.

When You Died

When You Died

When you died
Your face was peaceful.
I cried but you were silent,
Like you’ll always be, now.
Your hands are folded
But then they were flung,
Opposing angles to your body.
Your eyes are closed
But before, oh before,
They were like shallow pools of long-dead water.
But someone’s closed them for you.
You’re dressed in your Sunday best,
Someone gussied you up but good.
Earlier your clothes were ragged,
Torn and ripped with flesh exposed.
They sewed you up,
The places where your bones showed through,
Where your blood had spilt.
Your body was so damaged,
But when you died
Your face was peaceful.

Avoiding Life

Avoiding Life

You can go through life afraid,
Shying from your shadow
And avoiding the night.
But everyone will fade,
Eventually,
And none of us knows when or how.
So shrinking from the sunlight
Will not keep you safe.
Everyone dies.

No Control

No Control

We have no control,
Over being born into a society
That’s cold and unreceptive,
Unaccepting.
We have no control over our deaths,
Forces over which we are powerless.
We have no control over everyone around us,
Their thoughts, their actions.
We have no control over fate,
Over sunrise, sunset.
We have no control over so much in our lives.
But we do have control,
Over love.

Suicide

Suicide

Hands that once worked
Alongside mine, busy with life,
Lay still now, bloodstained.
I hear you gasp for breath,
Your heart beat slowing
With each beat pumping
Your precious life blood.
I try to stem your bleeding,
Cover your wrists with my fingers
And grip tightly,
Willing life back into your veins.
Eyes flutter open, closed,
Lock onto mine.
I press my lips to your forehead,
You shake your head and then lie still.
My screams echo off the sky,
But you are gone.

How Old is Darkness?

How Old is Darkness?

How old is darkness?
It scares me to realize
Our fleeting existence could be no more,
Than charcoal drawings on obsidian.
Our marks might go unnoticed,
Our candles burn out silent
As the world stands motionless
And then crashes down
Around us.

Painted Perfection

Painted Perfection

I painted you perfection
On your bathroom mirror.
My mind and soul were tired
Of listening to you hate yourself,
And my hands took the matter and ran with it.
So today you’ll wake and rub your sleepy eyes,
Stumble from your bed to find
That you can reach out and touch perfection.
Your portrait.

In the Night

In the Night

My lip-gloss is gone
And my eyeliner’s run,
But still you lift my chin and whisper
“You’re beautiful” in my ear.
I tangle my fingers in your hair,
Never wanting to ever let go
But knowing this night will end.
Our minds spin around
Like the wheels on a toy car,
Hearts beat in sync faster.
I close my eyes and breathe you in
But when I open them,
You are gone.

The Difference Between Right & Wrong

The Difference Between Right & Wrong

Outcast in a land of pretty things,
I can’t fly with these broken wings.
Love isn’t always a song,
When the walls you’ve built up are so strong.
It’s hard to let you in,
Hard to open my heart and not defend.
But I want to face you unguarded,
I don’t want your efforts to be thwarted.
I don’t care how much it hurt it will cause,
If loneliness ensues it’ll pass because –
I’d rather be wrong with you
Than be right without you.

Warning

Warning

This is my warning to you.
It’s the last one you get,
So listen up for once.
I am opinionated,
If you break my heart
You will heart about it,
All of it.
I’m not delicate
I won’t break if you touch me,
Don’t be gentle and always respectful.
I am unique
And I won’t change my soul
Just to be with you.
If I can’t be myself around you,
I’d rather be alone
Than pretend to be someone I’m not.
And remember – this heart
Beats for no one but you,
This smile is on my lips because of you,
And I’ll never stop loving you
No matter what happens.

Broken Heart Bleeding

Broken Heart Bleeding

I open my hands
And let my broken heart pieces spill.
They clatter to the floor
And cover your clean rug.
I’m sorry that my soul is bleeding.
Like silken scarves the blood runs
From my wrists and down my sides.
I’m sorry I thought this was the answer.
Weeks later and I’m still hiding the scars
But days go by and soon they’ll fade,
And he’ll never know.

Conversations

Conversations

Early morning – phone rings.
You pour your heart out,
I listen.
The world moves slowly
And my feet are firmly planted.

Nothing Special

Nothing Special

I’m no string of pearls,
No shiny jewel lying silent in the dirt,
Waiting to be discovered.
I can’t look in the mirror and say
“You’re precious”
Or “you’re rare”.
I don’t think I am,
I never have.
So I write to let my feelings out,
Wear too much black eyeliner,
Act like a walking contradiction,
Stand out too much to ever fit in.
But I’m still just another candle
On the altar of life,
Sometimes lighting up the darkness
And sometimes just burning in the daylight,
Useless.

Don’t Sleep So Sound

Don’t Sleep So Sound

Don’t sleep so sound tonight
Because I want to be your dream,
Your nightmare.
I want your troubled mind
To piece together this ragged puzzle
I call my heart.
Without you it’s incomplete,
With you it’s never finished
But always just right.
This city’s the same without you in it,
But my heart isn’t.
Every beat says “I miss you”
And every breath tears me apart.
So don’t sleep so sound without me,
I need to know you’re haunted too.

Self-Portrait

Self-Portrait

My goal was, I’ll admit,
To paint a self-portrait
Of the person inside me,
Something introspective and beautiful
With the worst parts hidden away.
Instead I found mistrust,
Dishonesty, fear, self-consciousness, doubt.
And when I was done I realized –
That is what’s inside me.

Madness

Madness

He’s not sure what he’s feeling,
But she takes his hand and whispers
“We’re all mad in our own way”
As she leads him to the bed.
She explores the labyrinth of his mind,
Watches filmstrips of memory go by in his eyes.
She sees herself through his view
Stripped of all her identity and misconceptions
Another broken soul lost in the dance.
He draws her a fairytale castle,
White and invisible, on a piece of paper
Before he tears it in half.
Neither knows what they’re looking for,
But both will find out tonight.
Both begin again.

Aftermath

Aftermath

Trees stand barren
Against a gray sky.
There’s nothing left that’s green,
Or very little.
I steer my car around a pile of branches
Lying dormant in the street.
A truck hauls them away,
Leaving my neighborhood empty.
Leaving my heart empty.