Crawling

Crawling

Why can't I bring myself to say the words I need to say?
I need you more than ever
and I never stopped loving you.
It's like some fire smouldering
deep within my soul,
all consuming.
My mind is pregnant with the thought
of holding you once again.

How hard is that to tell someone?



More than you can ever imagine,
more than he will ever know.


I cannot form the words,
I cannot make me stop loving you.
I never will.

Wish Life Was Real

Wish Life Was Real

Wish I could fly
wish I weren’t such a
puppet on a string.
Wish my smile weren’t so fake,
wish my expression
fit my thoughts.
Wish I could forget
every word he ever said.
Wish this heart were some prophet
to reveal every truth,
wish I weren’t such a
desperate whore,
wish you weren’t so
damn perfect.
Wish I weren’t so out of my mind,
wish everything didn’t
come crashing down on my head
every few days or so.
Wish I were a little bit more,
more loveable,
more likeable,
much more quiet.
Wish the sky weren’t so dark
and it’s 1:15
on a lonely Monday morning
but I wish it wasn’t,
and I wish I wasn’t.
Wish the voices in my head
would SHUT UP for once
and just let me sleep.
Wish the moon were out tonight
wish something felt real to me,
somehow.
Wish I weren’t so miserable all the time
because then maybe
someone would be able to stand me.
Wish everyone’s eyes
weren’t so accusing
wish I weren’t such a
mistake waiting to happen.
Wish my insecurities
weren’t constantly on display,
just wish I could
disappear,
relax.
Wish I didn’t know everything I know
wish I could live in a haze
like everyone around me,
post-coital, post-hangover
drug-ridden existences.
Wish I wasn’t who I am,
maybe be who I was
2 years prior to this moment.
Wish I weren’t so painfully aware
that everything in my life
is such a sham.

Can you still feel?

Can you still feel?

Can’t breathe.
couldn’t sleep
my brain’s on overload.
Love leaves you broken and cold,
shivering in its absence
and wishing for release.
Friends grow apart,
memories fading,
people once close
turning away from each other.
Moments grow awkward
when the ones sharing them
lock eyes, break contact,
look away as if scared
to reach out to the other being.
I feel like a lion in a cage,
never seen the sky
but I pace still,
unaware.
Nothing makes sense
to a tortured poetic soul.
When your heart dies
can you still feel?

You Turn Away

You Turn Away

Feel empty
like a skeleton
in my clothes.
I’m not all here,
you’re not all there.
Nothing but love-drunk ramblings,
your eyes are full with her.
You’re satiated
but I’m starving.
I gnaw my cheeks
you turn away.
You turn away.

Running Myself Into the Ground

Running Myself Into the Ground

I’ve kind of given up on sleeping.
More relaxing to watch
lazy pen shadows,
strokes drawn slowly by flashlight
on a silent Monday morning
when all I can think about
is how hungry I am
for everything:
love, food, comfort, companionship.
I close my eyes
but what’s the use?
I’m running myself into the ground
and nothing can save me.

Void.

Void.

Void.
heading for a breakdown.
You could never
would never
save me.

Despair in 2 Languages

Despair in 2 Languages

Say anything
to drag me back
out of this despair,
I’m drowning.
Cue sad French music,
“Il n’avait pluie rien.”
You lie.
It will always be raining,
pour moi.

Shell

Shell

I miss those days
when my smile wasn’t fake,
when every laugh was genuine
and life was truly joyous.
Lately everything’s gotten so hard,
so complicated.
I’ve built my walls up so high
I don’t think anyone
can every break them down.
I cannot cry for you
anymore than I ever could.
Who have I become?

No Sleep.

No Sleep.

Times like these
I wish for cigarettes,
comfort in a burning wick
or filter.
Instead I turn to indie music
wish I could cry
but my eyes stay
horribly dry.
Why is everyone else sleeping
and I lie here
so awake,
on pins and needles?

Hands grasp

Hands grasp

Hands grasp
teeth clench
tear
clothes
fall
she cries.
He runs his fingers through her hair.
“No one could be better.”

Love Note

Love Note

She slipped a square of paper
into the pocket of his sweater.
When he turned around,
she was already gone.
He sat in the corner
and unfolded the letter.
It read:
“Do you know how many nights
I’ve been dreaming you would notice me?
and then yesterday you held my hand
and every part of me was alive,
for a moment in time.
I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”
She signed it with a heart.
He crumpled up the paper.
She watched with a heavy heart
as he threw it away
and walked out the door.

She was trying not to cry,
bent over her math workbook
trying her hardest to concentrate,
when a square of paper landed on her desk.
She opened it and sat there,
wiping away the tears that now rolled down her cheeks.
All the note said was
“I love you.”
That’s all it needed to say.

Time to Kill

Time to Kill

Minutes tick by
on the clock that is my life.
Make something of yourself,
work harder,
hang out with the right people,
make the right connections.
Never trip up.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
The sand in the hourglass is running out.
The gears are turning slower and slower
and soon they’ll be too rusty
to even move at all.

I Chew My Regrets Off One By One

I Chew My Regrets Off One By One

The night is cold.
The sidewalk where I lay
is unforgiving,
miles of concrete
as far as the eye can see.
I’ve been wandering all day long
dragging around this old guitar.
I can’t even play.
Since the day we called it quits
nothing can make me smile
quite like you could.
My nerve-wracking habits
have gone from bad to worse,
I don’t think I even have fingernails anymore.
So I spread my fingers
across the dirty asphalt,
press my cheek to its comforting coldness
and feel alive.

Raining

Raining

I’ve been sitting here and watching
the puddles fill up with rain,
wishing I could let myself cry
the same way the clouds do.
Maybe then I could hover over you,
shower you with my tears
and you’d realize how much I need you.
Maybe then it would stop raining
and I could see the sun again.

Tigers Say Grrr

Tigers Say Grrr

The light burns my eyes.
My fingers are too tired
to pick out any tune on this old guitar.
I think I’m calling it a night.
I think I’m calling it goodbye.
I think that letter you wrote me
was absolute, total bullshit.
I think you never meant
a single word you said,
especially not “I love you”.
I think I could have been
the best thing you ever had,
but now you’ll never know.
And I can’t believe I’m thinking about you now,
sitting halfway down a slide
on some abandoned playground,
reading graffiti scrawled in Sharpie
proclaiming “tigers say grrrr”.
Well, I guess that’s my lesson to learn, then,
that nothing is what it seems.
I won’t let it fade away.

Jill

Jill

My friend refers to the plural moose
as “meese”.
Once, she wrapped my red school sweater around her shoulders
and ran around my driveway
proclaiming “I am Super Meese”
at the top of her lungs.
One day I locked myself out of my house,
and she brought me back to her apartment
where we colored on gossip magazines with Sharpies,
until my mother could bring me a key.
But then she moved to England.
I miss her.

Friendship

Friendship

I’d still be your friend
even if you had
a deformed twin fetus sticking out of your head.
So that means I’m true blue.

I Feel Bad.

I Feel Bad.

I feel bad for Kim.
See, she went out with Tim
(No, I’m not kidding,
that’s really what happened
it’s totally true)
and she really liked him.
But he’s got a thing
for her friend Emi
who acts like she might sort of
like him, too.
So he told her he’s always
feel something for Emi
but would never act on it
because he was with her,
so she dumped him.
Now she likes Ray,
who used to date Emi.
And Ray said he liked Kim
til Emi flirted with him,
so now Ray & Tim
both like Emi.
So, that’s why
I feel sorry for Kim.

Spandex

Spandex

I never owned a pair of jeans
Until I was in 7th grade.
Even then, I only bought a pair
so I could wear them to a Halloween dance.
Before that, all I wore
were Disney shirts
and Spandex.

Tomboy

Tomboy

I remember when I was younger,
I was a tomboy.
I lived for fishing,
football in the street,
and late-night games of tag.
I slept over my best friend’s house constantly,
and nobody worried
even though he was a boy.
And we played Barbies together,
but only in secret.

One Hand

One Hand

I can count
the number of relationships
I’ve had in my entire life
on one hand.
But I could never count
the number of kisses
from any boyfriend
or “just friend”
on any number of hands I own.
I can, however,
count the number of kisses that mattered,
on less than
2 fingers.

Mr. Spike

Mr. Spike

I taught my bird to talk.
He says “gimme kiss”
and “I love you”.
He can tell you,
“Mr. Spike’s a pretty, pretty birdy”
or that my dog says “ruff, ruff”.
He can set the alarm,
wolf-whistle,
or beep like the microwave.
He says “Papa be back”
and “Papa gonna get clean, clean clean”.
He knows how to say more than 20 words.
But now –
I can’t get him to shut up.

Plaything

Plaything

Pretty little marionette,
rosy-cheeked paper doll.
She is nothing but your plaything.
Like a yo-yo
you string her out,
yank her back
if she wanders too far from your reach.
Make her lists,
what to do, when to do it.
Don’t go there,
stay here with me,
don’t talk to them.
She’s just your status-symbol,
the most expensive charm
upon your bracelet.
She is nothing but your toy
and yet she comes back for more.

Darts

Darts

Well you’re about as fragile
as the plush carnival rose
I won throwing darts at balloons.
How satisfying that “pop” was,
like my heart bursting
or maybe your head.

Trucker Hat Lament

Trucker Hat Lament

I don’t know why I bought it
in the first place.
It doesn’t even look good
on me.

Frozen

Frozen

Today I dreamed I was freezing.
I could feel my organs slowly
begin to shut themselves down.
I could feel myself go insane,
as my mind screamed for warmth
and my fingers turned blue.
I felt myself go numb,
my lungs collapsed,
my hearing faded & my vision blurred.
And then –
I couldn’t feel at all.

Drowning

Drowning

Last night I dreamed I was drowning.
I was gasping for air
but finding none,
suspended weightless
in a pool –
of Jello.

All I Can See Is You

All I Can See Is You

I tried so hard
to write a poem for you,
but the words kept
slipping away,
like tadpoles darting through
the clumsy fingers of young children
dabbling at the water’s edge.
I’d scrawl a line on scrap paper
but nothing rhymed,
nothing fit,
nothing sounded quite as right
as my heartbeat does when you are near.
It all seemed like a tacky joke;
every other line was plaid & polka dot
and absolutely nothing meshed.
I couldn’t even describe your eyes right,
how deep they are
so deep I could stay lost in them for days,
and the way they sparkle when you laugh.
Or the way you smile at me
when you’re trying your best to be serious
and it isn’t working,
how you half-smirk to hide your laughter
and I just melt.
Then there’s the comfortable way
you bump your hip into mine,
when we’re kneeling next to each other
on the seats, in the middle of a crowded concert
and all I can see
is you.

I live for every breath he takes…

I live for every breath he takes…

He has no idea.
I live for every breath he takes,
yet he is completely oblivious
to the meaning hidden deep inside my eyes.
When he’s near every part of me is alive,
but I die a little
every time he walks away.
Without him,
I fear I am nothing
and every time he looks at her
I fall apart piece by piece,
slow torturous agony
even if they’re nothing more than best friends.
Every breath hurts without him.