It’s Only Pretend.

It’s Only Pretend.

In the dark of my room,
at the end of the day
when everything around me is silent,
save for the television downstairs
and the crickets outside my window,
I close my eyes tightly against the shadows.
My mind comes alive behind fluttering eyelids,
I can see us together so clearly.
You grab my hand and pull me close,
and when our lips meet
it’s like stars colliding in the sky up above.
I lay my head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat,
my own is fluttering like butterflies
frantic with wanting.
I cannot stop my overactive mind,
I cannot stop my overactive need.
Until finally my eyelids flutter open,
and I realize I’m still alone
and it’s only pretend.

Drama & Courage.

Drama & Courage.

You hold my hands,
you stare deep into my eyes
with a penetrating glance
that sets my soul on fire.
You hold me close,
I can hear your heartbeat
and it’s racing just as fast as mine.
But it’s all pretend,
we’re only pretending,
and it’s only pretend.
Were we outside of this drama
would it all be the same,
or would you change?
I wish upon every single star in the sky
that I could confess to you
everything I’m feeling,
and that your eyes would soften
as I let the words spill out from my lips.
I wish you’d hold me close
and look at me with understanding eyes,
eyes that held the same emotion as mine,
as you confess that you feel the same.
But I cannot find the courage
to tell you what I need to…
I cannot find the courage to say
I love you.

Invisible.

Invisible.

I slip through your mind
like a vessel sliding smoothly through the sea,
cutting the water gently in two.
I’m light as a ghost,
fluttering right in the corner of your brain,
a silent whisper in the dark.
I am transparent,
changing shape and color
to blend seamlessly into your every word.
You may try to seek me out,
but you will never find me
for my camouflage is excellent.
I spill through your fingers
like sand through an hourglass,
always changing, always moving.
I never stay near you for too long.

He Just Can’t See Me.

He Just Can’t See Me.

His eyes burned into mine,
I felt the heat.
But we were just like strangers
who’d passed on the street.
The words were clumsy,
all tangled and wrong.
He had tears in his eyes
at the end of my song.
But it’s not meant to be,
no, he doesn’t want me.

He’s turning around,
he’s walking away.
No words in my power
could make him stay.
He doesn’t want
to be the one for me.
He’s just so blinded,
he just can’t see.

He told me yes
when he should have said no.
He didn’t seem to care
when my heart broke, though.
He left me alone.
all alone in his wake.
When he’s already got my heart,
what’s left then to take?
But it’s not meant to be,
no, he doesn’t want me.

He’s turning around,
he’s walking away.
No words in my power
could make him stay.
He doesn’t want
to be the one for me.
He’s just so blinded,
he just can’t see.

This has all gone so wrong,
it wasn’t supposed to
be this way.
I wish on the stars,
I wish I could find
some way to make him stay.

He’s turning around,
he’s walking away.
No words in my power
could make him stay.
He doesn’t want
to be the one for me.
He’s just so blinded,
he just can’t see.

No, he just can’t see me.

Dear Diary, it appears I am dead.

Dear Diary, it appears I am dead.

Dear diary,
it appears
I am dead.
I do not breathe,
I do not sigh,
the thoughts are silent
in my head.
My heart beats
no more,
my blood is still.
Or, it would be
if there was any,
but now
it never will.
I’m falling apart,
festering,
rotting,
right where I stand.
I cannot feel
anything
not even
the touchof your hand.

Invisible

Invisible

I slip through your mind
like a vessel sliding smoothly through the sea,
cutting the water gently in two.
I’m light as a ghost,
fluttering right in the corner of your brain,
a silent whisper in the dark.
I am transparent,
changing shape and color
to blend seamlessly into your every word.
You may try to seek me out,
but you will never find me
for my camouflage is excellent.
I spill through your fingers
like sand through an hourglass,
always changing, always moving.
I never stay near you for too long.

Ghost.

We can never come to this place again,
all we have now are memories
of what was and what can never be again.
Why does love fade away?
Is it not supposed to be everlasting,
something that touches your soul
and roosts there for ages,
til you grow old?
How can two people fall so far apart?
It seems as if we're standing on two sides of the world,
you're that far away.
I wish it was not like this,
I wish you were more than just
a ghost, to me.

Hold Me Near, Blue Eyes.

Hold Me Near, Blue Eyes.
(This is not autobiographical.)

You don't care that I'm morbid
or that I'm dancing in the rain outside the funeral home,
refusing to go inside,
refusing to attend my own sister's funeral.
You don't care that I'm wearing long sleeves under my black dress,
to cover the scars inflicted upon me over the years.
You don't care that I'm living in a broken home,
that my father isn’t around and my mother’s not all there.
You don't care that my love for you
is all wrapped up in shadows and death.
You don't care.

You just stand in front of the door and watch me dance,
waiting until I decide I'm done
and that the stereo inside my head is switched off completely.
You sit down on the step and take my hand
to pull me down beside you.
You don't care when I break down and my facade crumbles,
as the tears start slipping slowly down my cheeks.
You wrap your arms around me
and I let my head rest on your shoulder.
You don't care that I'm ruining your suit,
the one that cost you 3 months allowance.
You don't care that I'm so locked up in my own head right now
that I can't even think of anything but myself.
You just hold me.

And that's where they find us hours later.
The funeral is over,
the relatives are angry,
and I'll pay dearly for skipping the service.
They will see to that later.
But right now, you and I run off down the street,
hand in hand,
ignoring the voices that float on the breeze behind us.
We’re running away from everything we don't understand.
The rain slaps down on the pavement around us,
but your hand is warm in mine
and your heart is beating at the same speed
as the one in my own chest.
We run until we run out of pavement,
and then we keep running.

Somewhere halfway through the woods,
you stop and turn to look at me.
My mascara is running and my eyes are red and swollen from crying,
my hair is soaking wet,
in fact everything is soaking wet.
You push the hair out of my face and lean in to kiss me.
There's a whole world behind us,
that we've left in the dark:
the abuse, the violence, the death and the deceit.
But you don't care about any of that,
you just care about me.

There's no witness but the stars
and the night that falls around us,
as we confess our love and divulge our secrets.
There's no one but us in the shadow of the night,
hidden in the forest from prying eyes.
And you just watch me with sad blue eyes,
full of tears.

In the morning we watch the sun rise over the hills
before we climb out of the trees
and make our way back to the funeral home.
We get in your car and drive down the road,
the sun is just coming up.
I know my mother will be hung over like crazy,
and angry as hell at me
so I slip in the back door, grab my backpack,
and run back out to jump in the passenger seat.

Just in time, too.
My mother comes out of the front door,
spewing obscenities at me.
You drop your foot on the petal and we drive off,
away from everything we know.
Away from everything we hate.

The Ones.

The Ones.

This is for the unfaithful,
the unloved,
the ones marked absent-minded
in the roll call list of life.
The oppressed, the mocked,
the ones called ugly beyond their backs
or more importantly, to their faces.
The ones pointed to and laughed at,
the different,
the unique.
for everyone who’s ever been labeled,
everyone who’s been called freak,
everyone who’s locked themselves away
or cried themselves to sleep.
The ones who build their walls so high
just because they’re scared of being broken.
The ones who hide their true selves
behind expressionless masks and paper faces,
just to avoid confrontation.
Everyone and anyone cast away like society’s rejects.
You are beautiful.

Never Satisfied.

Never Satisfied.

You say “I’m his because he likes perfection.”
But honey, you’re lying to yourself,
he could never be satisfied with perfection.
Because on the nights you are out with your friends,
head thrown back just so to the tune of
“Oh, that was so funny, say it again”,
he extends his hand to a girl-model
in ruby lipstick and mile-high heels.
And as you skip down the boulevard,
holding hands with your nearest and dearest
and cocking your head at handsome strangers in boutique windows,
he is snuggling deep within the covers
of another lover’s bed.
When the sun rises tomorrow
you’ll wake to your empty bed,
stretching and yawning
and dressing in the early morning dark.
But he will wake up much later,
wrapped in the tight embrace
of a skinny twenty-something,
still wearing her precious heels.

Pressure.

Reality TV
is lying to me,
showing me just what I should be.
I open another magazine
it's the same old thing again.
In a world where pin thin
is always in,
& the less you eat
the more you win,
how can anyone ever live?
I'm not high-end,
I'm not couture
I don't know just what
I am anymore.
But I refuse to conform
to anyone's dream
of what I should be.
Because then,
I wouldn't be me.

She.

She hides her eyes
in folds of silk & sleeves of lace.
Her lips open and close
like a fish out of water,
she lies wasted on the shore.
Once she walked the earth,
a goddess in every respect
with mile-high heels
and glittering eyes.
But since the downfalling of the universe
she lies motionless on the beach,
afraid to move.

Curse.

Curse.

Sun streams in my window
But I wake to freezing rain.
I blink my hazy eyes
To clear the fog inside my brain.
My vision focuses on
Your picture on my wall.
And now I am reminded
That you’re not here at all.
I wish I could snuggle down
Back inside my covers,
Safe from all reality
And strings of my past lovers.
But daylight beckons to me,
Drags me screaming from my bed.
I’m not ready to go out there,
Please let me sleep instead.
“You can’t avoid life forever,
You can’t afford to hide away.”
I run from the sunlight,
I live in yesterday.
The present’s just to painful,
And the past is even worse.
My life is a waking nightmare,
The future is a curse.
Please don’t let my demons get me,
They haunt my every move.
Let me rest in silence,
I have nothing left to prove.

What Lonely Lives We Lead.

What Lonely Lives We Lead.

I’m tired of comparing love to…
well, anything, really.
It all seems so trite and played out.
It’s already been compared to everything.
Screw doves and halting heartbeats,
our love is none of that.
Our love is lonely, austere,
painful and soul-crushing.
It’s nothing but weeks and weeks
of no communication,
waiting up by the phone
and hoping you would call.
You never did.
Or leaving almost frantic messages,
practically begging you to go out.
I wish I weren’t the desperate one,
you never seem to care.
What lonely lives we lead.

Suicide.

Suicide.

“You suck at suicide.”
I look up at Lola.
She’s standing in front of the bathtub,
Watching me and frowning.
Go away. I’m busy.
I dig the blade into my wrist.
the pain is sharp,
it cuts me to the bone.
A tear rolls silently down my cheek;
Lola wipes it away with her thumb.
“It’s not going to work, sweetie.
You’ve tried this one before.
Remember?
It was right after the pills
and right before you dropped that hairdryer in your bath.”
I know. But this time, I’m going through with it.
“I won’t let you.”
She pries the cold blade from my fingers
and sends it flying through the window,
where it sticks in a tree.
She wraps a warm, wet washcloth around my arm.
“You suck at suicide, remember?”

Pretend

Pretend

Let me smile & pretend
that everything’s just fine.
Obviously, it’s not
but don’t worry about me.
I’m much better off
pretending my façade
is actually fooling someone.
No one will know,
no one will know.
Just keep it quiet
don’t let anyone know
that inside I’m crying.

I would

I would

I would dial your number
just to listen to you breathe.
I would sit at the edge of your bed
and watch you while you dream.
I would reach right up to heaven
and pull you down a star.
I would hand you perfection
because perfect is what you are.
I would do almost anything
just to see you smile.
I would wait forever
just to see you for awhile.
I would love to love you
if you would allow me to.
But that will never be,
I will never be with you.